First time

We pay good money to simulate death and we even laugh doing it. The drive to the skydiving course was true anticipated fear. But in the moments of free fall, even as our body tells us we are dying, our mind reassures that we will save ourselves. Practice for real terrors.

I’m thinking about that time as I go through replying to a scary message. Do I reply now? Or leave it be until conditions are better. We’re really just frightened animals. We’d gnaw through our own flesh to escape the trap. The basic, primitive drive for survival to live and exist at any cost.

It would be dishonest to say I do not fear anymore, that I do not lay down in bed shut down and overwhelmed, that I do not hesitate before public speaking. But I’ve started to make better eye contact with fear.

Consider fear as a compass. Fear is useful because it is a ruthless opponent and shows no mercy. It will always go for your weakest spot. Therefore, it’s always the thing that will make you grow the most.

You can only conquer by swallowing fear. To let fear swallow you whole is to let life pass. To be bold is to stare fear in the eye. Let it pass through you. It is reassuring to know the bravest, most successful people still get struck by fear.

When you’re stuck on a decision, the secret is that you will never know enough. You’ll always believe you need more information. And that’s scary. The real thing is you just want to feel like made the right call. But the real truth comes in committing to the decision. Then it becomes seeing it through and shaping that choice into the right decision.

On embracing fear

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The theme of the month for me is to embrace grit, which mostly means running towards pain. What I’ve found: pain is mostly anticipated from fear. The fear of potential failure, the fear of not being loved anymore, the fear of maybe: regret. I’m thinking about this as I go through replying to a half-dozen scary texts. Do I reply? Or leave it be until conditions are perfect.

You find yourself doing this in your work too. Writing is painful. A past self justified a 3 hour block every week would be enough and you grimace everytime the Notification pops up. You grimace because you might have to let yourself down again. You try and make a decision. You search and search for comfort, a way to escape the fear. You’re tired and coughed twice this morning already, plus it’s raining and the coffee shop is probably packed. You don’t think this in the moment, but you are making the decision to commit or run away.

I am not sure how to explain the way my life has improved since. That these microscopic decisions to skip the gym since it’s already late or hold in the compliment to a stranger feels irreverent on an identity-level. But some part of this is self-respect, a continuous promise to meet my own expectations of myself.

You’ll always believe you need more information. When you’re stuck on a decision, the secret is that you will never know enough. The real thing is you just want to feel like you know enough to make the right call. In the vast majority of those, you’re making the decision too late. But the real truth comes in committing to the decision that feels most right. Then it becomes seeing it through and shaping that choice into the right decision.

It would not be entirely true to say I do not fear anymore, that I do not lay down in bed shut down and overwhelmed, that I do not hesitate before sending a cold message. But I’ve started to make better eye contact with fear. The way this has shown up is that I blurt out the truth. I surrender to the idea that I am actually scared.

Reprise: You can only conquer by swalling fear. To let fear swallow you whole is to let life pass. To be bold is to stare fear in the eye.